The days stretch out languidly in waves of breath, in and out. I have become viscerally aware of the moments that pass and have slowed my reactions down as opportunities to step away. The practice I have started is becoming more regular.
I still struggle with the flashes of rage and disappointment that spring up around absence, grief and loss, but when I feel them now, I focus on the sensations of my body and I breathe.
I know, it's not really that exciting to read about...breathing. The struggle is more interesting, more relatable. But it's exhausting. I have worn myself out with it.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't say I am ready to sail away into the sunset. I still feel shaky a lot of the time, I still get scared and anxious as certain thoughts pass through my head. The lessons I am learning through my body's reaction to stimulus still goes on, and I am certain there are some lessons I will learn over and over until....I don't know...death?
I will keep writing about all that..but this week..just for a few days, I have decided to just float.
I still struggle with the flashes of rage and disappointment that spring up around absence, grief and loss, but when I feel them now, I focus on the sensations of my body and I breathe.
I know, it's not really that exciting to read about...breathing. The struggle is more interesting, more relatable. But it's exhausting. I have worn myself out with it.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't say I am ready to sail away into the sunset. I still feel shaky a lot of the time, I still get scared and anxious as certain thoughts pass through my head. The lessons I am learning through my body's reaction to stimulus still goes on, and I am certain there are some lessons I will learn over and over until....I don't know...death?
I will keep writing about all that..but this week..just for a few days, I have decided to just float.
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